1. Don't greet us with the words "you'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say "You'll need a calculator"? No... then FUCK off!
2. If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light. Getting someone to stand outside to wave us down (see point 3). Giving the operator an idea of local landmarks. Saying "I'm in Newcastle" does NOT help.
3. If you are aforementioned waving gimp. A simple sticking out of hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic mating with a windmill will not expedite our arrival. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it.
4. If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as hell get yourself downstairs.
5. Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.
6. If I came and sat in your house, pissed on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be put out. So don't do it in my ****ing ambulance.
7. Don't even fucking THINK about hitting me. I hit back. Harder. And I can kill you and leave no trace.
8. Unless there is a very good reason, you go to the A&E of my choice. Good reasons include a: it's a skive b: it's a fun drive c: it's about lunchtime and the canteen is good d: the nurses are all sluts and e: because I'm a vindictive bastard.
9. Did I mention that if you do succeed in assaulting me, my friends the police will make sure you get nicked. And hurt. And will causally remark to some of their sources inside that you are a kiddie fiddler.
10. Grannies pay attention: if you have chest pain, don't wait until the morning to call because "you didn't want to be a bother." Trust me, be a bother, that's what we are actually here for (this is probably the most serious point - if you have chest pain, call 999 for fuck's sake!
11. If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not fucking cretins.
12. If you've taken drugs, tell me. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.
13. Girls: if your mate is lying on the ground vomiting after downing 15 shots of sambuca, do not tell us her drink has been spiked. Your friend looks like something the Japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used for anaesthetising bull elephants to bring her down, and nobody, not even a raving pervert, would shag it.
14. Being above the 5th floor in a block of flats is a capital offence.
15. If your first words to us are "you took your time" then they may also be your last.
16. Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you. We drive big vans, not the starship enterprise.
17. If you are a scrote, and you are cold and fancy going to the A&E for a bit of food and a cup of tea... tell me. Don't lie and say you have chest pain.
18. We can spot a fake fit 5 miles off.
19. If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will appear behind you by magic.
20. We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad fucking temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at 5 minutes before shift end.
