This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
angry member of the public. True email sent to the force, lengthy but
brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off
St Marys Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes
an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and
legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far
as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to
blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the
kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
Mr
,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to
discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone
number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these
details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I
have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep
undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the
acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a
wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats
that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The
pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on xxxxx. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in
contact!!
Author
Topic: Complaint Letter to Devon & Cornwall Police (Read 1412 times)