Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your **** before holding the glass close to their nose.
Boiled Eggs cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
Commuters. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
Banging two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.
Motorists: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats
Mums. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath
Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
A Post-It Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers
Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
Skateboarders, Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your **** by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist
Ladies, When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
