Ahhh, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when,
heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the
train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in
months.
You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild
involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout
the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.
And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At
last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy.
For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first
time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls
getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.
After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds
suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to
buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban
landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and,
after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like
moles at dusk.
Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small
breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics.
Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch
your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts
nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the
road...
And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival
of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is
Tit Monday.
Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a
moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be
precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above
16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt
to 22C on 24 April.
And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early
summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit
Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not
prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the
summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not
make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside
All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely
covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a
Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs.
It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is
holding up nipples.
So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text
your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early.
There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a
couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But
your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep
your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra
straps As the poet said:
"One bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make. "
